The Mother Wound

Did you know that 32% of adults in the US struggle to form healthy relationships? and at least 25% of children face abuse or neglect. When we are treated poorly, we learn to treat ourselves and others poorly, which manifests into a Mother Wound. In this article, I’m going to help you understand if you have a Mother Wound, how it occurs, who experiences it, what it looks like, and how to overcome it.

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What is a Mother Wound? 

A Mother Wound is an emotional scar that forms when the mother-child bond is disrupted or the nurturing and consistency necessary for healthy development are lacking. As both a daughter and a therapist, I have personally experienced and witnessed the profound, long-lasting effects of this relationship. While mothers are the reason we are here—a fact I am deeply grateful for—most do not intentionally harm their children. Instead, it happens through a lack of resources, support, and unconscious patterns passed down through generations.

When a primary relationship is fractured at a young age, it can feel like a bomb has gone off inside. The aftermath is like shrapnel floating inside, cutting and tearing at the soul. In place of consistency and care, the child may experience confusion and fear. For instance, a child who craves safety but encounters unpredictability might feel a profound sense of insecurity.

Without understanding or naming these feelings, children adapt to survive. This adaptation may take the form of dissociation or creating alternate realities, such as imaginary friends or blank spots in memory. While helpful at the time, these coping mechanisms can create challenges later in life.

Being a youngster is a time of magical thinking. For example, if I blink three times, it will make me prettier. When reality becomes too painful, this magical thinking can persist beyond the typical developmental stage of 2 to 7 years old. If it continues unchecked, it may evolve into maladaptive patterns, such as obsessive-compulsive tendencies, where recurring thoughts and repetitive behaviors serve as an attempt to regain a sense of control.

Examples of the Mother Wound

It can take many forms:

• An impatient mother rushing a child.

• An insecure mother belittles her child in front of their friends to feel superior.

• A narcissistic mother makes sure her needs get filled before her innocent daughter is aware of her own.

These experiences can create feelings of confusion and self-doubt. It can even be experienced as “gaslighting,” where someone creates a false reality that undermines your experiences or facts. This psychological manipulation confuses a child and can even lead to psychosis in the extreme, 

A Mother Wound is Not to be Taken Lightly

Many clients in my practice have dedicated years to working through this wound. It is not a quick fix; it touches the very essence of who you are.

When a mother tells you how beautiful you are with your dark hair and strong features, like hers, when you watch a movie together and continually praises the fair, blonde, blue-eyed character, you wonder what she meant. Then, she praises other people and things so different from who you are that you begin to doubt your mother and the truth.

Or a mother who attaches to a younger sibling while never connecting meaningfully with you. Or the blatant cruelty of a mother telling her daughter all the things wrong with her as she pulls her hair to “fix” her. These are some of the stories I know of; there are many more.

Where Did The Mother Wound Term Come From?

The term “Mother Wound” has become widely recognized in various communities. Authors such as Kelly McDaniel in Mother Hunger, Peg Streep in Daughter Detox, and Karyl McBride in Will I Ever Be Enough have explored it.

In my private practice, I created a workbook that complements my courses and serves as a guide to overcoming the Mother Wound.

However, Bethany Webster is often credited with pioneering this concept in her book The Inner Mother. Webster defines the Mother Wound as the conditioning experienced by most girls to disconnect from their truth. This split fosters anxiety, doubt, and shame, undermining a woman’s sense of self and empowerment. She emphasizes that cultivating an “Inner Mother” is essential for healing this early disconnection and providing the support we longed for as children. [source link]

Collectively, these authors highlight the profound impact of the mother-child relationship, particularly on daughters.

What Causes the Mother Wound?

Behind the behavior of a mother who wounds, you often find a wounded mother herself—one grappling with insecurity, pain, and a lack of emotional tools.

These often manifest in traits such as narcissism, self-absorption, a pervasive sense of inadequacy, or toxic behaviors like negativity, criticism, and an inability to show empathy.

The Mother Wound is frequently part of an intergenerational cycle. A lack of emotional support, empathy, healthy boundaries, or consistency creates a deep psychic rupture that continues to be passed down until someone consciously chooses to break the cycle.

Left unaddressed, this wound is handed down silently, often hidden in plain sight. It is commonly rooted in unprocessed grief, tragic events, loss, mental illness, or a lack of resources and education.

Who are These Mothers that Wound?

Beneath the surface, you will find narcissistic, toxic mothers who are self-involved, insecure, and in pain. This mother lacks empathy and favors distrust, disgust, and anger.

The Mother Wound is part of an intergenerational pattern. When something is withheld, denied, shamed, neglected, punished without cause, never attended to, or never repaired, it causes a deep rupture in the psyche.

The Mother Wounder does not provide emotional support, healthy boundaries, a sense of safety, or consistency. Exactly what children need to feel authentically loved in a relationship, trust others, and be themselves. If the wound is left to fester, it will be passed down until that daughter decides no more, gets support, and makes the change.

Signs of a Mother Wound in Adulthood

• Difficulty with intimacy – an inner running dialogue interfering with being present with your partner.

• Low self-esteem – not feeling worthy of your accomplishments.

• Codependency or lack of a sense of self – focusing on other’s needs instead of your own and then getting angry at them for not taking care of you.

• Anxiety and Depression – on high alert or distancing yourself from life.

• Obsessive behaviors – perfectionistic thoughts taking over your own.

• Challenged to self-soothe – not knowing how to calm yourself when desired.

• Distrust of others – believing others are untruthful or want something from you.

• Harsh self-talk – belittling yourself for the slightest signs of being a human.

• Substance abuse – depending on external things to feel an internal shift.

The Mother Wound in Relationships

Our first relationship is with our mother, and this creates an imprint we carry with us into future relationships. If there is a wound left unexamined, this wound is repeated again and again, asking for your attention.

Here is what you may see:

• Need for constant reassurance – wants partner’s attention and validation to feel whole and seen.

• Magical thinking in place of direct communication - expect your partner to know what you want without saying anything.

• Overlook abusive behavior – fear of rocking the boat to keep the peace as long as possible.

• Ignore personal needs not being met – does not believe needs have value.

• Silently critical of partner – unexpressed anger, not having had a voice or knowing how to use it.

The Mother Wound and Attachment Style

Attachment Styles tell us how you have been related during your childhood.

John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth studied children in the 1950s and 1960s and developed 4 main attachment styles. Secure, Avoidant, Anxious, and Disorganized. Their work has helped us see human development in simple and clear ways.

I mention Attachment Styles and the Mother Wound because they are interrelated. This combination helps us better understand the other Mother Wound phenomenon.

We must dig under the hood when there is a Mother Wound.

• What happened to you?

• How has your relationship with your mother been? How were you treated?

• How did you learn to attach it? Was it safe?

In my blog about the Mother Wound and Attachment Styles, I explain how each affects the other.

How to Heal the Mother Wound

Healing the Mother Wound is a courageous inside job, which means working with the soul. It is a deeply personal and transformative journey of a lifetime.

Typically, healing this wound combines self-reflection and self-compassion practices that acknowledge the pain and dig into the root causes while developing healthy coping tools.

It is usually required to examine our patterns, attachment styles, and relationships, including our relationships with ourselves.

It is highly suggested that you work with a therapist, coach, or support group with others on a similar healing journey.

My Approach to Healing the Mother Wound

My unique approach includes healing practices of self-compassion, identifying and expressing emotions, mindfulness practices, guided hypnotic meditations, art and writing exercises, somatic tools, individual and group support, and healthy boundary-building techniques.

The Mother Wound is a wound to the psyche. It encompasses our sense of self and others. To heal such a wound, we first must begin with ourselves.

Be comfortable, be irritated, be excited, just be who you are, where you are.

From there, we find a place of familiarity. This could be a walk in nature, a personal talisman like a crystal, a warm pet, or a dear friend. Find places and people that care and support you. Join a support group, start that hobby you’ve wanted to try, and find a kind word to say to yourself. See if you can find some pleasure just being yourself around people and things you like. With this foundation, a lot can happen. With this sort of work, the slower we go, the sooner we get there.

When ready, we can start to name the stories and the wounds, and it is always best to find a community to do this. DO NOT do this alone. Then, we can begin to name it to tame it.

As an art and trauma-informed therapist, I find the creative process to be an integral part of healing a Mother Wound. These wounds are often embedded in our DNA, passed down through the generations, and given to us before we had words or defenses to accept or reject them. When we use embodied tools such as art making and guided meditations, we use embodied somatic interventions to gently reach deep into our unconscious to unlock stuck and hidden parts of ourselves, yearning to be free.

Take heart; you are hardly alone. As I stated earlier, 32% of adults in the US are insecurely attached, and at least 25% of children experience abuse or neglect. The Mother Wound may not be included in these statistics, as it is not always visible. Anyone can have one. Much depends on your temperament, the personality fit between you and your mother, environmental stressors, religion, politics, etc.

Give yourself grace. You’re not alone, and this is not your fault. Help is available.

What’s Next

If this article resonated and you feel ready to start your healing journey, I invite you to take a first step with me. Join my free mini course “How to Feel Worthy of Love After Growing Up with a Critical Mother.”

With love,

Mari Grande

CHI Creative Healing Integration™

References

Grande, Mari, Overcoming the Mother Wound, 2024

McBride, Karyl, Will I Ever Be Enough, 2009

McDaniel, Kelly, Mother Hunger, 2021

Streep, Peg, Daughter Detox, 2017

Webster, Bethany, The Inner Mother, 2021

The Attachment Project

Disclosure: Mari Grande is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program as well as other affiliate programs, and may earn fees by linking to Amazon and affiliated sites at no extra cost to you.