I DID NOTHING WRONG!

Does your mother need to admit she hurt you before you can heal?

A mother who wants your undivided attention when she speaks to you but silences you when you tell her how your feelings were hurt at school.

A mother who swoons over her neighbor’s daughter’s looks, personality, and popularity and insists you be friends with her so she can “rub off on you.”

A mother who wholeheartedly believes she has your best interest at heart.

Mothers who treat their children:

• Like an object with no feelings: Make it hard as an adult to trust their feelings.
• Name-calling: Creates an inner dialogue of self-doubt and criticism.
• Comparing you to others: Believes the answers are outside of you, and others know better.
• Demeaning of your actions, feelings, and thoughts: Develops Low self-esteem and an inability to trust yourself.
• Empty promises: Gullibility, distrust, or magical thinking as an adult.
• Superior to you and your presence: Breeds intimidation or being intimidating, and a need to be perfect.
  

Does your mother determine your path to peace?

It’s natural for your inner child to be holding out hope that your mother’s promise will finally be fulfilled.

If you’ve been wronged, hurt, judged, or blamed—especially by your mother—you may be waiting for her to change before you can allow yourself to heal.

The truth is that apology, that acknowledgment of your pain, and her role in it may NEVER come.

If you are holding your breath for her to change, it’s time to exhale, and let YOUR healing begin.

Hi, I’m Mari Grande, an art and trauma therapist and coach dedicated to helping people heal from the wounds caused by complicated, painful relationships—especially the Mother Wound.

THIS IS HEART MONTH—a time to give and receive love.

But if your healing depends on someone else, if you’re waiting for an apology, acknowledgment, or a magical moment to right all the wrongs, chances are you’re feeling stuck, angry, and sad.

Waiting for someone else to admit they were wrong or that they mistreated you is a very long game, usually with no winners.

Hurt hearts struggle to trust. They doubt love can be real or lasting, making it hard to receive or share love authentically.

When love feels conditional—something you must earn or prove—you might feel trapped, performing or appeasing just to feel worthy of affection.

Did you feel loved no matter what?

As a child, this message can be confusing. “Of course, Mommy loves me,” you think. I just need to be better, nicer, smarter, and work harder…” This can leave a lingering doubt deep inside the child.

This belief sets the stage for future relationships and how you see yourself.

When a child doesn’t feel love and warmth from their mother, they internalize the idea that they must do something to earn love. They grow up believing love is conditional:

• “If I’m good, I’ll be loved.”
• “If I meet their needs, I’ll be cared for.”

Meanwhile, a securely attached child - who receives consistent love, attention, and clear boundaries -  learns they are inherently valuable. They experience unconditional love, which becomes a foundation for healthy relationships.

If your experience was different, your attachment style and the love you seek may still be rooted in conditions.

Can this change?

Absolutely. But know this: Healing is an inside job. It doesn’t depend on external validation or someone else changing.

The wait is over. The healing is already there, waiting for you.

This Inside Job may need extra support, understanding, care and patience but it is there. Wanting to be with you.

The apology to yourself is the missing peace. How to get there is a journey, one not to be travelled alone.

Instead of having to wait for someone else to apologize first, the healing journey is on your terms.

Here are 3 steps to start:

1.   Notice your patterns.

o   Is it easier for you to care for others without expecting anything in return?

o   Do you struggle to receive love or support?

o   Does receiving make you feel unworthy or uncomfortable?

2.   Acknowledge the wound.
   

o   Recognize that early relational experiences shape how we give and receive love.

3.   Seek aligned support.

o Find spaces and people that feel safe and authentic—those who help you connect with your heart.

February: A Month to Heal Your Heart

This Heart Month, turn inward. Connect with the tender yet powerful part of yourself that’s ready to heal.

Healing the Mother Wound—and the patterns of conditional love—is about learning to nurture yourself. When you do, you create space for deeper, more authentic connections with others.

You don’t have to wait for someone else to change or admit their fault.

Your mother may never be able to see her role, do the work, or be able in a place to offer an apology. And it has nothing to do with you, it never has.

This is your time, your journey.

You can begin now.

If you’re ready to step aboard a healing journey, I invite you to watch my free class: Learn How to Feel Worthy of Love After Growing Up with a Critical Mother. In this free class, I walk you through the 6 Mother Wounds and how you can recognize and heal yours.

Click Here to Watch

With love,

Mari Grande

CHI Creative Healing Integration™